I'm not everyone else, you know. I know that you were forced to feel that way.
... I also know that your feelings were probably also confused with everything that happened the week before. I did kill people, Malik. I kept it a secret.
I didn't know to feel. I knew you weren't a malicious killer, and I thought... I had healed you during the field trip only to send you back to killing people. Death seemed like a more merciful option if you were killing against your will. Nobody was going to vote for your expulsion, but... I don't know. Maybe without the curse, I would have felt the same way as Tsuyukusa and thought that there was only one way to end things.
[ it's harder still, when he has complicated feelings regarding authority and parental figures. otome made him feel safe, which is something he had been sorely lacking with his actual parent. he didn't have a healthy parent-child relationship in general, so latching onto otome felt like wrong. it was a risk he wasn't sure was going to pay off. but deep, deep down, he really did need - and want - someone to care about him. he just didn't know what to do with positive relationships. ]
[ She listens to him, her thoughts thankfully kept to herself for once. ]
I see, so that's why you offered...
[ She closes her eyes, briefly. ]
I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. But the risk of three of them losing themselves and their souls without having a say in it was... something I couldn't stand. So I also didn't know how to feel. On the one hand, I was acting to prevent that. On the other hand, I was willfully taking them away from the people who cared about them and I couldn't even let them have proper closure about it. I hated myself but I knew if I did nothing, I'd hate myself even more.
[ Otome releases a quiet sigh. ]
I didn't want to die, because I didn't think I'd be able to even start trying to make things right if I was dead. But when Tsuyukusa came to kill me, I just felt... at least a little relieved. That if someone was going to die tonight, at least it would be someone who'd harmed others. It was selfish of me, but still.
... I wish I could have supported you better, Malik. I wish I could be so much more for you, that I could have been everything that you might have thought I was.
But I never once stopped caring about you. I never would have wanted you to be framed for my death and I was less than thrilled when I learned about it.
Very childish. We were trying our best to help the bear find his keys and apparently one way of doing that was to do activities with each other. There were different areas that opened up, but nothing terribly exciting until we could get to the computer with our records.
But there were also baby monitors that let us watch what was happening with the living.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ aaaaaaaaaa this feels weird to accept this MOM WHY!! ]
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... Tsuyukusa told me he used a coupon to make you hate me.
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I didn't know what it was, but when I woke up on that Friday, I really-- I really hated you.
Guess his plan nearly worked, though.
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[ She shakes her head. ]
I'm very glad his plan failed.
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[ he awkwardly fumbles over this next part: ] I'm sorry for...
[ he trails off because he's not even sure what he's apologizing for. ]
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[ legitimately shocked by this. AFTER EVERYTHING. HE IS STILL SURPRISED. ]
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Why would I be?
[ also genuinely surprised. ]
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[ he can't articulate his thoughts anymore and his brain radio isn't any more helpful. ]
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I'm not everyone else, you know. I know that you were forced to feel that way.
... I also know that your feelings were probably also confused with everything that happened the week before. I did kill people, Malik. I kept it a secret.
You had every right to be upset with me.
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I didn't know to feel. I knew you weren't a malicious killer, and I thought... I had healed you during the field trip only to send you back to killing people. Death seemed like a more merciful option if you were killing against your will. Nobody was going to vote for your expulsion, but... I don't know. Maybe without the curse, I would have felt the same way as Tsuyukusa and thought that there was only one way to end things.
[ it's harder still, when he has complicated feelings regarding authority and parental figures. otome made him feel safe, which is something he had been sorely lacking with his actual parent. he didn't have a healthy parent-child relationship in general, so latching onto otome felt like wrong. it was a risk he wasn't sure was going to pay off. but deep, deep down, he really did need - and want - someone to care about him. he just didn't know what to do with positive relationships. ]
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I see, so that's why you offered...
[ She closes her eyes, briefly. ]
I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. But the risk of three of them losing themselves and their souls without having a say in it was... something I couldn't stand. So I also didn't know how to feel. On the one hand, I was acting to prevent that. On the other hand, I was willfully taking them away from the people who cared about them and I couldn't even let them have proper closure about it. I hated myself but I knew if I did nothing, I'd hate myself even more.
[ Otome releases a quiet sigh. ]
I didn't want to die, because I didn't think I'd be able to even start trying to make things right if I was dead. But when Tsuyukusa came to kill me, I just felt... at least a little relieved. That if someone was going to die tonight, at least it would be someone who'd harmed others. It was selfish of me, but still.
... I wish I could have supported you better, Malik. I wish I could be so much more for you, that I could have been everything that you might have thought I was.
But I never once stopped caring about you. I never would have wanted you to be framed for my death and I was less than thrilled when I learned about it.
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stares for a minute
then he hugs her. ]
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[ It's a quiet gasp of surprise because she honestly didn't expect that.
But then she's hugging him back, warmly. ]
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She's probably tearing up, it's fine.
I'll be here for as long as you need me. ]
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D-don't tell anyone.
[ NO ONE CAN KNOW HE DID A NICE THING IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE OK HE HAS AN IMAGE TO MAINTAIN ]
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When have I ever told anyone anything you asked me not to?
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[ he's not smiling or anything but the vibe has definitely changed for the better. ]
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You don't have to answer if you're not comfortable, but... what was daycare like?
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[ WELL. ]
Very childish. We were trying our best to help the bear find his keys and apparently one way of doing that was to do activities with each other. There were different areas that opened up, but nothing terribly exciting until we could get to the computer with our records.
But there were also baby monitors that let us watch what was happening with the living.
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[ he has another '!' moment ]
Do you see what happens after curfew?
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... But no. We couldn't see anything.
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